Hiatus...from a blog...not so much :)
Needless to say I fell off the wagon...let me rephrase (because in the words of my friend Samara what I'm doing isn't a wagon, it's a lifestyle) I went to the dark side. I'm trying to pull myself back to the healthy light, but the dark side is so welcoming and comfy...I can totes see why people take up residence here (with neighbors like Sonic chili cheese tots and Darth Vader, wouldn't you?) I can't pinpoint exactly when I moved. The entire time I've been trying to be healthy, the Dark Side's been beside me, whispering "attraversiamo" seductively in my ear (nothing's more seductive then Italian, specially when being spoken by pizza). One day, I took its hand and did just that, I crossed over. Part of me was depressed that my family was in England celebrating my mom's 50th and I was stuck here, in a treadmill job where I keep pushing the rigor incline/speed button but to my shock and dismay I go nowhere. The other part is frustration. I frustrated that I'm not losing the weight quickly, frustrated that I feel I'm genuinely giving every part of myself to job only to get a headache from banging my head against a cinder block wall, frustrated that I'm single, frustrated at grad school. An allover encompassing frustration and dissatisfaction has rooted itself in my stomach, to which I start feeding it the comfort foods that have satisfied it before.
Now no one will be shocked I'm sure to learn that feeding it greasy foods and alcohol has NOT satisfied the dissatifaction. Instead it spread throughout my body and mind until I was consumed by it. At the ripe old age of 26, I have no clue what I want from life. Well correction, I have no idea what I want right now in life. Which means I'm at one of those Dr. Seuss-like crossroads with a million different paths in front of me and I'm here chilling reading the sign, most likely with a brownie in hand.
Do I stay in Atlanta? Do I go back down to Savannah and reboot my life from the last point it made sense? Do I go overseas since I am single? Do I pick a place on the map and start over where no one knows me? I do not have the answer to this question. Instead I have applied to all of them, seeing what sticks.
But back to my health: my slap awake moment. I was sitting in a restaurant and caught my reflection in a mirror. Who was that girl with no face, no expression, sitting awkwardly in a booth? OMG it's me!?I have no face....the fat has rendered expressions useless. I realize that I'm not going to get any further on this "What the hell should I do?" dilemma until I recognize my own reflection. It's not exactly like since that day I've been the model health nut. I'm still struggling to remember to track my points and fast food stills whispers "attraversiamo" as I drive to school every morning. But then I remember I'm tired of being fat. I contacted my doctor about adjusting my meds, which have wiped all traces of testerone, leaving me tired and listless. I go on a grocery spree filling my fridge once again with healthy options. I set my alarm 30 minutes early so I can eat breakfast here. I suppress the doubts, fears, thoughts of dissatisfaction and lazy tendencies so I can get ahead on things. I am making a genuine effort again.
I know this journey is going to take awhile (part of the justification for shacking up with the Dark Side) but I'm going to stick it out. While I might visit the Dark Side from time to time (they do have exceptional food there), I'm determined not to take residence there again in the gingerbread house that looks so appetizing on the outside but is rotting away on the inside.
I can do this.
Always,
K
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